“Traffic was bad this morning.”
DENIED
Committee note: Everyone drove. Everyone arrived. You have a truck the size of a studio apartment and a route you have run 400 times.
AFTER HOURS BOISE — OFFICIAL EVENT NOTICE
FILE NO. AHB-BP-001 · PRIORITY: MAXIMUM · DISTRIBUTION: ONE (1) GUY
GET OFF WORK, YOU LITTLE BITCH.
Tonight's beer pong tournament is proceeding as scheduled. Your teammate has cleared his calendar. The table will be ready. The cups will be ready. The only remaining operational risk is one UPS driver deciding morning traffic constitutes a legitimate excuse.
- Event
- Beer Pong Tournament
- Date
- Tonight. Yes, tonight.
- Peak Season
- NO
- Valid Excuses
- 0
SECTION 01 — ADJUDICATION
OFFICIAL EXCUSE REVIEW
The After Hours Boise Excuse Review Committee convened for eleven (11) minutes and reviewed every statement you have made in the group chat since Tuesday. Findings below are final and non-appealable.
“I might get off late.”
SKILL ISSUE
Committee note: “Might” is not a schedule. “Might” is a feeling. Deliver faster.
“I have work tomorrow.”
SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE
Committee note: Groundbreaking. Truly. Every single person at this tournament also has work tomorrow, including the guy running the bracket.
“I'm tired.”
IRRELEVANT
Committee note: Beer pong is played standing still, indoors, holding a beer. Cardiovascular demand: none.
“It's kind of a busy week for me.”
IT IS AUGUST
Committee note: It is not peak season. It is not close to peak season. Peak season is four months away and it has never once cared about your feelings.
“Something came up.”
NOTHING CAME UP
Committee note: This excuse has been denied in advance to save you the typing. You're welcome.
COMMITTEE SUMMARY: 6 excuses reviewed · 6 denied · 0 upheld · 1 driver on notice (Walker, E.)
SECTION 02 — OPERATIONS
TONIGHT'S CRITICAL PATH
A seven-step logistics plan produced by the After Hours Boise Operations Group. Each step is a hard dependency of the next. Deviation introduces unacceptable risk to the bracket.
-
01
TRIVIAL
Deliver packages.
All of them. Not most of them. The ones in the back too.
-
02
ROUTINE
Return truck.
Park it. Do not detail it. Nobody asked you to detail it.
-
03
ONE (1) BUTTON
Clock out.
Press the button. The button that ends work. You know the one.
-
04
CRITICAL BLOCKER
Stop being a little bitch.
Identified by analysts as the single highest-risk item on tonight's timeline. No known mitigation except doing it. Eric, this one is on you.
-
05
ON SCHEDULE
Arrive at After Hours Boise.
Doors are open. Your name is already on the bracket. It has been for days.
-
06
THE FUN PART
Play beer pong.
Elbow behind the table. No re-racks after cup four. Standard house rules.
-
07
GLORY
Become a champion — or suffer a humiliating but honorable defeat.
Both outcomes are acceptable. Only one outcome is not, and it's the one where you're at home.
SECTION 03 — TELEMETRY
ACCOUNTABILITY DASHBOARD
Live operational metrics, refreshed continuously by absolutely nobody.
Tournament
TONIGHT
Non-negotiable · Bracket locked
Teammate readiness
0%
He has been ready since Monday.
Beer availability
HIGH
Cold. Plentiful. Waiting.
Excuse validity
0%
Rounded generously.
Peak season
NO
Not even a little bit.
Balls currently in your court
0
Both of them. Literally and figuratively.
Subject of record
ERIC WALKER
File AHB-BP-001. One (1) driver. One (1) chance.
Packages remaining
FEWER THAN YOU CLAIM
Verified by vibes.
Sympathy remaining
12
Depleted at approximately 9:04 AM.
SECTION 04 — RISK MODELING
LIVE EXCUSE PROBABILITY
PROBABILITY HE CLAIMS WORK RAN LATE
0%
0% — WALKER CLOCKED OUT
100% — TOTAL BITCHASSERY
MODEL RUNNING…
After Hours Boise analysts have determined that this probability can be reduced to 0% through the groundbreaking logistics technique known as “getting your shit done.”
SECTION 05 — LEGAL
OFFICIAL LIABILITY NOTICE
After Hours Boise accepts no responsibility for missed tournaments resulting from excessive route lollygagging, insufficient hustle, traffic-related whining, failure to clock the fuck out, or other acts of bitchassery.
This notice constitutes the entire agreement between After Hours Boise and Eric Walker and supersedes all prior representations, including but not limited to: “I'll try,” “probably,” “depends on how the day goes,” and the ever-popular “I'll let you know.” No verbal amendment shall be valid unless delivered in person, at the table, with a ball in hand.
Any failure to appear shall be considered entirely self-inflicted.
EXECUTED THIS EVENING · BOISE, IDAHO · RE: WALKER, ERIC AFTER HOURS BOISE — OFFICE OF THE COMMISSIONER
THE CUPS ARE WAITING. THE BALLS ARE WAITING. YOUR TEAMMATE IS WAITING. CLOCK THE FUCK OUT.
One of these buttons is correct. The website knows which one.